“Fathers have a way of telling their sons and their daughters the truth of who they are. And when we lose that, when nobody tells us, we are open to every lie that anyone will tell us.”
By Ciara Coleman
I first heard this quote while watching the movie The Heart of Man. Immediately, my heart began to race, and a heaviness filled the room, causing me to pause the movie, close my eyes and reflect. I’ve always known the importance of having active parents, but I had never considered a father’s role in establishing a child’s identity.
I was raised in a single-parent home. My home was full of pink walls, dolls, and makeup, but it lacked a male presence. I would see my father on special occasions–birthdays, holidays, or an occasional weekend–but there were some days that I wouldn’t see him or hear from him at all. At such a young age, I couldn’t wrap my mind around why my father didn’t come around much. Over the years, feelings of pain and rejection began to build up.
Every day I didn’t see him or hear his voice was another brick added to my wall of resentment. I saw dads playing with their kids in the park, picking up their sons from school, or teaching their daughters how to ride a bike, and I longed for that same relationship with my father. I questioned if I was good enough or if he even loved me at all.
When I started school, I was naturally very shy and didn’t have many friends. I carried the pain that I felt from not having my father around with me and it left a void and an emptiness inside that I began filling with all the negative lies that I was being told about myself. At school, I had a hard time fitting in, and I was often made fun of for my looks. Other students told me I was too dark, too skinny, or my nose was too big. I started to believe what they were saying and struggled with my self-confidence.
As I got older, I started hanging around those who I felt accepted me, even if they weren’t the best influence. I started drinking, smoking, and having sex at a young age because it helped me to temporarily feel better about myself and fit in amongst my peers. I felt like I had finally been accepted and loved but soon found out that I was doing more damage than good. The drugs, alcohol, and sex distorted my view of reality. I fell into cycles of addiction, chasing a temporary high to make myself feel better, not realizing that the people that I had felt connected to were just as empty, broken, and hurt as I was.
In the summer of 2008, I stepped onto the campus of the University of Kentucky. My roommate was a friend from high school, which made the transition easier, but I was still afraid and did all that I could to just shrink into the background. Ultimately, my efforts of trying to make myself invisible failed, and I was invited by friends to several different faith-based organization events.
“It was my faith that saved me. My belief in something bigger than myself is what helped me to finally love myself, love others, and practice true forgiveness.”
The organization that won me over was Black Voices, a historical campus gospel choir. Not only did it help me grow in my relationship with God, but it gave me the community and fellowship that I always wanted. Throughout the remainder of my undergrad tenure, I began to seek God more through prayer, discipleship, bible studies, and fellowship, and I felt my confidence increase. I began learning who I was in Christ, which ultimately led to me discovering my purpose and exploring more of my passion.
I changed my degree from biology to fashion merchandising and the healing process continued. The more I learned about fashion, the more I learned of myself. Fashion became not just an outward journey, but an inward one as well. Discovering my personal style gave me the opportunity to heal that inner child that felt rejected by her father and was made fun of and talked about in school. It allowed me to mold myself into the confident woman that I’ve always wanted to be. I fell in love with bold colors, textures, and prints and began to see fashion as a form of self-expression and communication. I dressed up everywhere I went because it made me feel good inside. Through my faith, I have tapped into a more confident version of myself, and that came from choosing to be who I’ve always been underneath the pain, lies, and disappointment. I never would have thought that I would be working in the fashion industry as a model and designer, encouraging other women to overcome their insecurities and to love themselves. Fashion, along with my faith, became the driving force in helping to heal the scars that my father left behind.
So, although he has hurt me and still disappoints me, I don’t stop loving him. Love is selfless and genuine and it sets the foundation for forgiveness. Forgiveness is not just for the other person, but for yourself. When you forgive someone, you are freeing yourself from the control that you have allowed them to have over your life. It allows you to have a greater understanding of the other person and what they’ve been through.
“Love is one of the most important principles of my faith. We are called to love God, to love our neighbor as ourselves, and to love our enemies. There is no prerequisite for love.”
It does not make excuses for that person or what they have done, but it allows you to understand that no one is perfect, and we all have our own journey toward healing and self-discovery. Forgiveness is powerful because it allows you to tap into a more compassionate part of yourself and strengthens you for the trials to come.
Learning to love and forgive my father is not easy. It doesn’t mean that he is absolved from all wrongdoing, nor does it mean that he is doing everything right. It means that I am choosing to rise above my pain and not let it run my life. By loving and forgiving my father, I can be who I truly am, and I can express who I am through my fashion choices.
“The secret of joy is the mastery of pain.”
Anaïs Nin
Because of what I have experienced, I am able to help others who have been through something similar. I’ve embraced my pain as a learning experience and an opportunity to grow, both spiritually and naturally. We are not promised an easy life, and I will be hurt again, by a friend or a stranger perhaps. Pain will come again and when it does, I’ll be more prepared. And I’ll look amazing.
Ciara Johnson is a content creator, influencer, fashion designer and model. Her goal is to empower women to overcome their insecurities and love themselves.
